In three words I can sum up everything about life. It goes on.
n r s y f q h j
☮ & ♡
Date to ✍: 22-02 // 22-08
✈ Travel around the world ✈
❀ TUMBLR ❀
Follow @Eekv
Where there is love there is life.
#69
February 12, 2013 || 3:40 AM
@ 3.15am of Tuesday
Alone time to ponder again about life but my fingers are still moving and there goes my heartbeat beats at a faster rate.
At times I question myself, am I very stupid that I could sacrifice so much for someone that I don't even know that are we gonna get married or not. After everything, I know I did what I shouldn't but if only I could rewind time back I would choose my path wisely and do things in life for myself because it only happens once never twice. As for now, I am nor here or there so where am I now? How could I sacrifice this very much just for something I want so bad? The time. How could I? Why do I always put someone else first before myself? I am just not that selfish to do everything my way but in the end, I get shit. Was that even part of life? When I already gave enough and yet the shits are coming in.
How is this my fault? Was I thinking about people so much that I forgot that "oh I'm a human whom has feelings and I've got to put myself first before anyone" but that wasn't the way. I was brought up to not be selfish. But also, I don't know why I can't put myself first. Why is it so hard? Or it's just the surrounding and the people around me. Or maybe love was powerful. But...that won't bring me any good either. Hoping too much makes you kill yourself. That goes along with thinking, expecting, caring and etc etc. So was I at fault or love at fault? Now am I to blame or....love to blame? And emotions, are killing me. I was never this strong before (emotionally, mentally & physically) but till came this chapter of my life which eventually make me who I am right now. Be it changing for the best or the other one, worst. I'd rather sacrifice what I have to make people happy. That's why I never seem to put myself first. Even so if it makes me lose someone, I would. Because with fighting, you have to go through pain to be a survival. I don't know. I've lost so much I don't know whether I could stand on my feet again if I were to lose anyone again. The feeling is......hopeless. Yes I felt hopeless. No faith. No trust in nothing. I just don't know. I don't know... Maybe I should start praying and ask Him to guide me to the right path again because looking at myself now, I know that I am lost. Maybe I should, I must. Because only He knows me very well. And He is the only one to can guide me through every journey of my life.
It has been a very teary night. Till then.